Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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