I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
