dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
