I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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