I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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