my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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