I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
