Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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