Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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