Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
