my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
