I accidentally had phone sex last night
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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