After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
