You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
