Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
