you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
