Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
