I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
