hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize