you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
