Someone shit on the floor
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
