Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
