I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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