apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize