that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
