Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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