bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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