Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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