i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
