I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
