last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
