We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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