2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
it's like heaven, but drunker
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
