The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
