i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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