i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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