He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
