Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize