no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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