you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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