My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
