im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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