I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
