I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
