just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
