the condom got lost in my hair
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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