Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Can I color on your dick again?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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