Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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