Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
