Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
