I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
