dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
