ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
