I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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