She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
