U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
