I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just pee around me
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
