I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
