I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
