Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
