his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
