I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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